Panic Disorder 411
The Awakening by Denise M. "Sonny" Carroll
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A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When, in
the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your
tracks, and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out,
ENOUGH: Enough fighting, enough crying and struggling. And like a
child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to
subside; you shudder once or twice; you blink back your tears and
begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening. You realize it's time to stop hoping and
waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety, and
security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to
terms with the fact that you are not Prince Charming or
Cinderella. That in the real world, there aren't always fairy
tale endings (or beginnings for that matter), and that any
guarantee of "Happily ever after" must begin with you, and in the
process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance
You awake to the fact that not everyone will always love,
appreciate or approve of who or what you are, and that's OK. They
are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the
importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the
process, a sense of newfound confidence is born of
self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other
people for the things they did to you (or did not do for you),
and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the
unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean
or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there
for you, and that it's not always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself,
and in the process, A sense of safety and security is born of
self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers, and
you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their
shortcomings and human frailties, and in the process, a sense of
peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize
that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you
is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been
ingrained into your psyche. You begin to shift through all the
junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should
look, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who
you should marry, the importance of having and raising children,
and what you owe your parents, family, and friends.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view.
And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you
really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and
needing, and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've
outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in
the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that
it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is
power and glory in creating and contributing, and you stop
maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your
next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not
the outdated ideals of bygone era but the mortar that holds
together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don't know everything, that it's not your job
to save the world, and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You
learn to distinguish between quilt and responsibility, and the
importance of setting boundaries, and learning to say NO. You
learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry
and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love; how to love, how much to give in love,
when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn to look at
relationships as they really are and not as you would have them
be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes.
And you learn that alone does not mean lonely.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside,
smoothing things over, and ignoring your needs. You learn that
feelings of entitlement (the fact of having a right to something)
are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want things and to
ask for the things you want, and that sometimes it is necessary
to make demands.
You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated
with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect, and you won't
settle for less
And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin
to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a
balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty,
and so you take more time to rest. And just as food fuels the
body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more to time to laugh
and to play.
You learn that for the most part, you get in life what you
believe you deserve and that much of life truly is
self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving
is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is
different from working toward making it happen. More importantly,
you learn that in order to achieve success, you need direction,
discipline, and perseverance.
You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK
to risk asking for help. You learn the only thing you must
truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR
itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears
because you know that whatever happens, you can handle it, and
that to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on
your own terms.
And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it by
living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't
always fair, that you don't always get what you think you deserve
and that sometimes, bad things happen to unsuspecting, good
people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things.
You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your
prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with
evil in its most primal state--the ego.
You learn that negative feelings, such as anger, envy, and
resentment must be understood and redirected, or they will
suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that
surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build
bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take
comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things
that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a
full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, and a
long hot shower.
Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by
yourself. You make yourself a promise to never betray yourself
and to never settle for less than your heart's desire. And you
hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the
wind.
You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, to stay
open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in
your heart and God by your side, you take a stand; you take deep
breath; and you begin to design the life you want to live as best
as you can. Essay ©1999 by Denise M. "Sonny" Carroll
Scott
Hutchison Art Her Eyes Opened image by Scott
Hutchison.
THE ROAD TO FORT WORTH by Michael Jackson Smith: Very little was known about panic disorder when I had my first panic attack. There was no help available to teach me how to assuage the attacks, but I discovered that alcohol would dissolve my fear instantly. My website contains the kind of information that would have been a tremendous help to me in the early days of my illness as I searched for solutions for the panic disorder, agoraphobia, and alcoholism that incapacitated me. My book is the story of my journey into recovery. Read Chapter 8 here. | Top of Page↑
