Panic Disorder 411

TRIGGERS: Alcoholics deal with life’s ups and downs by drinking. Alcohol provides a quick fix for hurt feelings, major stressors, even elation. Avoiding the people, places, and things that lead to relapse—commonly called triggers—is a priority in early recovery, but eventually one has to learn how to actually face emotional challenges sober. Living one day at a time is the key to success because a person can survive for one day that which would seem impossible to do for a lifetime.

Excerpt from my book: In the spring, Jack received a large check from Social Security, payment for the SSI checks that he failed to pick up in Lorain. He walked through town to the Texas Commerce Bank, opened a checking account, filled out an application for a credit card, and deposited the check. An hour later, he presented one of his new checks to the teller, who told him that the account had been closed because his credit report was bad. She returned his deposit to him. He felt embarrassed and ashamed, and stopped at another bank to buy traveler's checks.

On the walk home, he thought about his life in Fort Worth. Two years had passed, and he had a low paying job in a warehouse, lived in a makeshift apartment, and didn't have a girlfriend. He thought of the happy couples skating in the Tandy Center ice rink and felt discouraged and sad. It occurred to him that he could stay drunk for a long time with the money in his pocket, and that one small thought grew into an obsession to drink.

Overwhelmed and defenseless, he was blinded to the fact that his life was a miracle. He'd been entrusted to care for an immense, landmark building, a reality that he wouldn't have dreamt to be possible in the years when he was drunk. He didn't think of the dire consequences of taking even a sip of alcohol or try to postpone taking a drink. He stood at a crossroad: Throckmorton Street led to the warehouse, and Third Street would take him to a bar. He turned on Third Street, stopped at a blinking "Don't Walk" signal on Houston Street, and looked down at the pavement. He thought of the road to ruin that lay ahead of him around the next corner: days of sick drinking, sleeping outside in the cold, and endless trouble.

When he looked up at the traffic light, he saw a blinking neon sign in the window of a diner across the street. The traffic light turned green, and he walked into the diner with the idea that he could drink more on a full stomach. He ordered a steak, a baked potato, coleslaw, and a glass of milk, and ate like a starving man. When he'd finished dinner, he ordered a piece of apple pie, and felt serene for a moment. Then, a few tears fell on his plate when he realized that the obsession to drink had left him. The irrefutable promise of destruction was washed out of his soul with a few tears rolling down his face. He left the restaurant, headed over to Throckmorton Street and walked home.

My book The Road To Fort Worth and this website contain the kind of information that would have been a tremendous help to me in the early days of my illness as I searched for solutions for the panic disorder, agoraphobia, and alcoholism that incapacitated me. My book is the story of my journey into recovery.